As I mentioned in my last update I would be starting work this month. I’m sorry for not updating you all sooner with me but with orientations and personal things going on with me right now I was unable to.
Work: My first day of work was let’s just say interesting. I ride public transportation, so I typically leave 2-3 hours earlier than my scheduled arrival time. On my way to work, things were fine until I got on the train to go towards work. I started having anxiety attacks. (short breathing, constant swallowing, leg rocking,) I’ve been struggling to keep my anxiety from happening in public since moving back to Ohio. There’s been a lot of things that’s been triggering it which I’ll get into it later.
On my way off the train, there were crowds of people running to get on the one I just got off. Bumping, running etc. After I left the station I headed towards my job. I didn’t have to be there until 4 but just to play it safe I arrived at 2:30. On my way to work I began having panic attacks. (Panic attacks are much like anxiety attacks but 10x worst.) I kept feeling lightheaded and the need to the past out, puke, cry all at the same time. I zoned out a few times while walking but tried to keep my focus. Not to mention my feet were killing me and it was hot as hell that day.
I kept pushing myself and walked all the way to a resting stop at my job. I sat down to try to calm myself down and rest up before I started my shift; didn’t work exactly. The panic attacks continued to happen, although I try taking deep breaths and keeping it under control. It didn’t work, and I began crying. No sobbing, just tears running down and shakiness. There were a few people sitting next to me so I tried my best to keep it under wrap. Luckily they left and I could practice my breathing exercises and counting. It didn’t help. I tried pulling my elastic band that didn’t help either, Workers were coming in and getting things ready. So it was very awkward trying to not show I was crying and was having a panic attack.
I finally went towards my job and waiting for an another hour and a half before I could start my shift My legs were aching and I was tired. Luckily I recognized a few people from my orientation and I felt somewhat relieved. We were all sent together then it was time to go and start work.
Anxiety kicked in once again because many of us didn’t know what to do. We were told we would be trained on our first day but that didn’t happen. So we had to kind of figure out as we went. I’ve worked in food service before but it’s very difficult to keep your anxiety under-wrapped when you’re not given directions or instructions on how to do things or use equipment.
After a few hours prepping and getting to know everyone, it was time to start and open. I started to feel sick. Lightheaded, nauseous, and feeling panicked. A few of my co-workers asked if I was okay and to try to eat something. But I was leaned over a table feeling sick and asked my co-worker to get my shift leader so I could go to medic. He took me to medic and I suffered a panic attack and dehydration. They had to give me an IV so I wouldn’t feel lightheaded and pass out. They also gave me water and snacks. The medical staff was really great and were helpful. They even tried making a few jokes to relax me. I was there for an hour until I finished my IV and headed back to work. Everyone was great and welcomed me back and asked how I was. I went back to work helped out where I could. Joked around with one of my co-workers that were teasing me in fun and left. I caught my train back home had to be on bed rest a few days. It definitely wasn’t the ideal first day, but hell will it be rememberable.
My second day of work went well and really smoothly. I managed to keep up and work really hard. Joked around with a few of my co-workers and had a hardworking busy time.
I’m still on the job hunt and looking for a full time employment but I’m hopeful.
Therapy Pet: I’ve been looking into the idea of getting a therapy dog/cat for my anxiety. I believe I mentioned this before. But I’m realizing I kinda really need it right now.
Moving Back & Counseling: I would be lying to you all if I wasn’t honest about things being a little rough since moving back here. It seemed like a good idea for moments when I was back in Pittsburgh. But I don’t think I could explain how tough it’s been being here. But there’s also been quite a few good things as well. Like being able to spend time with my younger siblings. Things of that nature, I suppose. But I been working extensively with my counselor to get better with my anxiety and work through a lot of things. And so far it’s really helped slowly but sure I see myself making process and I’m getting better.
I hope you guys been okay. Words can’t explain how much I appreciate the ongoing support from all of you. Thank you so much again.